i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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