All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
