I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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