No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
40s are totally the cure
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
