why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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