Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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