Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
