Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
