Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Randomize
