I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
