i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
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