Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
