i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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