I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
