I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Boobs speak an international language.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
