walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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