Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
