Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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