I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
