my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
