I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
no, he came in my armpit
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
