My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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