So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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