Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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