I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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