How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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