I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
