If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
