Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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