I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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