I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
