There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
