Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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