Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We have started to decorate penises.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
