the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
