This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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