Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This baby is an asshole
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
