I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
