i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
