DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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