I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
