my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
