you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
