Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
