there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
