I met the friendliest cop last night
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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