He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
