Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
