On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
