Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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